I am blessed with an amazing gift: I absolutely remember everything better than it was.
That time before I knew how to fix my thick, unruly curly hair? I looked pretty!
Overalls? The comfiest, coziest, most flatteringist fashion statement ever.
That awful boyfriend who cheated on me? He was realllllly nice.
That job that I worked and couldn't put down my blackberry and kept me awake at all hours of the night and drove me to drink too much? I was really good at that and it was so fulfilling. I was making a difference!
That girl friend who lied and drove wedges between people and gossiped awful things? Oh, who am I kidding-- I remember that one exactly as it was! The gift only gives so much.
I am not one who dwells on bad choices or relishes in past victories. Then, that blasted TimeHop app was launched.
At first, it was so sweet. My best friends and I met 10 years ago and TimeHop captured our beautiful baby selves wonderfully. That trip we took, that night we danced, that game we won were all such wonderful memories. But you know who else shows up in the TimeHop app?
That guy, that friend, that time.
It made me feel all the feels that are not the good and healthy and growing feels. I have no business reliving the past. At its worst, it makes me self-critical, self-conscious, self-loathing.
The joy of reminiscing is quickly overshadowed by the shame of rehashing, remembering, dwelling on the things we wish we could re-do.
The past is important for appreciating the present and informing the future. But who I was does not dictate who I am today. It simply makes me grateful. And to keep that attitude of gratitude I needed to delete the app.
The past is gloriously haunting and should serve as a celebration of what, who, when and not a metric for what, who, now.
The good thing is my friends still have the app and are very quick to send me a screen shot of every mortifying moment we captured. Thanks guys.